A step backwards

Just when you feel like things are going great, something has to happen to make you feel like all that you've done was all for naught. You probably feel cheated and ripped off, but you still carry your balls around and do your duty.

Not because of some carrot on a stick hanging in front of you, but because of a sense of duty and a responsibility that the lives of people may or may not indirectly be placed upon your shoulders- and the people at the top make use of that to screw you as many times as they like, simply because they know you will still go back and serve your country.

Given a choice, nobody in their right mind would volunteer their services and time for such a measly pay. But since we're doing it, we might as well do it properly.

But why must they make it so difficult for us to do our job properly? Why must they carve away our enthusiasm to serve and expect us to still do so because we have a responsibility to do so?

Why can't they put themselves in our shoes PROPERLY before deciding on actions that have such far-reaching effects?

Can't they see that they are simply shooting themselves in the foot by creating the sense of low morale in their men?

They can't see because nothing bad is happening.

And nothing bad is happening because no matter how fucked we feel, we still carry out our duty because the people we care about have placed their faith in us.

I'm just saying.

Things

It feels like I've finally sorted things out now.

No Problem.

I'm all better now!

how am i supposed to reply when you tell me when you are alone all you can think about is him, because when I am alone all i can think about is you instead? I'm affected and I can't work properly when I see you like this and I can't do anything in my power to console you simply because I don't want to hurt the status quo.

how am i supposed to reply that it hurts when you brush it off as nothing when i say it to you candidly after thinking for ten minutes on whether i should say it or not?

how am i supposed to tell you that?

POP LO!

Yeah I realised that I haven't been posting here for quite some time. Couple of things happened, finally finished 3 months of training at tekong, and now i'm just waiting for my posting to be available on friday.

Something that i wrote when i was bored.


Flight.

I stared into the clear sky while thinking to myself; “How ironic. This is just pathetic.”
The sky couldn’t be a better indicator of how I felt my life was. Turns out it really couldn’t at all.
A gentle gush of wind blows straight into my face. The wind howls past my ears as if trying to whisper something into my ear; but I cannot make out what it is trying to say. If I had to use a word to describle the voice of the wind at that exact moment, it would be panic. I’ve had enough.
The wind stops, as if rhythmically to allow a moment for me to think about what to do next. I close my eyes. “ Are you holding your breath, eagerly waiting for my next action?” I think to myself.


I take a deep breath in and open my eyes. The wind comes back, even stronger this time.
“I guess now you just want me to do it huh?” The wind was irritating. Ignoring it, I place both my hands on the cold metal rod in front of me. I started to breathe through my mouth to find a suitable pace to breathe at, preparing myself for it.


In one instant, I pushed my body up using my hands and kicked my right foot over the railing. My hands started to shake as I felt myself getting unbalanced and my eyes opened wider. Soon I was able to get my other leg over and I found myself sitting on the railing. “Now I’m ready.” I thought to myself. At least I thought so.


My hands continued to hold on to the railings despite them starting to sweat profusely. I pretended not to notice and focused on what I had to do next. Inch by inch I lifted my body up a little so my bottom would move further and further away from the railing. I couldn’t keep my eyes focused anymore. I started to look around, look behind me, as if there were someone behind me, watching my every move. I felt like a criminal just about to commit another crime. My eyes were darting everywhere, everywhere but down. I knew I couldn’t continue if I looked down. I looked up again. What a clear sky. How ironic.


The trembling in my hands subsided. However my bottom was starting to go numb at this point. My elbows bent a little, as if storing energy for one last push. I took another deep breath. I tried to put my feet near the wall so I could use them to propel myself further away as well.
“I hope I have another great life” I said to myself, and pushed myself off. Or at least that was what I would have done. I….


I couldn’t hold my pen any longer. The shaking in my hands was getting worse and I could feel my vision getting blurry. There was an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and I felt it gnaw its way up my throat and to my mouth. My guts felt like they were tying themselves up and I felt an immerse pain in my body.


I saw a white light and thought to myself for the last time;
“I was always too much of a coward to die by jumping off a building.” before falling to the ground and laying there motionless, undignified as vomit and foam started to pour out of my mouth.


I didn’t want to live this life either way.

FINALLY!

I think my blog has been inactive for damn long already.

IM DAMN LAZY TO BLOG!

Filming's started, will be continuing for the next few weekends, plus I'm working on some other videos currently.

Basically I'll be busy.

Will update with filming photos soon as soon as I get them from yq!

Update

Think i accidentally deleted some code from my template so it's a little screwed up right now. Will be fixing it soon.